Title: If You Really Fell (1/?)
Summary: Kris and Adam write a song together and it changes how they see each other forever.
Rating: R for now, but probably going to hit NC-17 pretty soon... hehe
Disclaimer: They're real, this isn't.
The rhythmic hum of the bus had lulled everyone to sleep but Kris, who was quite enjoying the silence, basking in the tranquility of the stillness and privacy. He was testing out a melody in the lounge area, playing a song no one had heard yet. He let his fingers drift along the frets, staring out the windows at the black sky and trees, waiting for inspiration.
It was the words that always stumped him; tunes came easily, he could invent arrangements of instruments in minutes, construct four-part vocal harmonies in seconds, but the words... He was never able to write poetry in high school, too embarrassed to let thoughts and feelings flow. Everything he came up with sounded awkward to his ears - even listening back to his best song writing efforts on Brand New Shoes was slightly painful, his new phase of pop-rock in his upcoming album far surpassing anything he had done before.
He was proud of everything on there, the songs were unique and edgy, and yet had mass appeal. But it was missing something, the producers had told him, something less rock, less punchy. In other words, he needed a ballad, and he needed one fast.
Kris was feeling the pressure - he had to come up with something within a week, and tomorrow was his last day off until they hit Pittsburgh.
It was three in the morning by the time Kris had a verse and a chorus worked out for the guitar, but still no lyrics.
“That’s really good, you know.”
Kris’ head jerked up. Adam was standing loosely in the doorway, a glass of water in hand,
wearing his lightning bolt pajamas, a black Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and an expression of faint exhaustion.
Kris let himself sink back into the couch and groaned in dejection. “It sucks.”
Adam rolled his eyes and came to sit next to him. “Nothing you do sucks.”
Kris shook his head. “I just don’t have anything left to say.”
“Of course you do, everyone has an unlimited amount of thoughts. The amount of thoughts I go through in one day could fill fifty songs.”
“Well that’s you.”
There was a silence as they both watched through smudged glass the skyline appear and disappear behind the rushing of the landscape.
Kris turned toward Adam and mumbled somewhat bashfully, “Could you... do you mind...?”
“Sure, yeah, definitely,” Adam said immediately. “Not gonna sleep anyway, you know me.” Kris smiled and realized the significance of what Adam had just agreed to: they were about to write a song together.
“So where does inspiration usually come from, for you?”
“Katy,” said Kris without hesitation.
Adam nodded slowly, face inscrutable.
“But,” said Kris, expecting Adam’s head to whip around in surprise. It didn’t - his expression remained almost exactly the same, and yet Kris could sense he was listening very closely. “I’m sort of feeling like this is more of a, I mean it doesn’t have to do with having love, it has to do with - ”
“It’s a pining song,” Adam muttered, not looking at him.
“Yeah,” said Kris carefully.
“Yeah,” Adam repeated. “Well, just pretend there’s no Katy, just for a sec.”
Kris’ face must have been terrified or shocked or something, because Adam hastily added, “There’s nothing wrong with it, I do it all the time when I write. I sometimes find,” he paused, choosing his words, “that thinking of Drake, I don’t know, doesn’t always help me get across what I’m trying to get across.”
“Do you ever think about Brad?” Kris said without thinking.
Adam’s face froze over and Kris worried for a moment that he had gone too far. They had only once discussed Adam’s ex and all Kris had learned was that Adam’s heart had been broken.
But then he seemed to melt and whatever memories he was lost in faded. “If I ever write a song about wanting to fucking rip someone limb from limb, then yeah,” he said, grinning. “I’m kidding, I love Brad,” he added as a disclaimer.
“Okay, yeah I get what you mean, though,” choked Kris through laughing.
“Memories and imagination are my material,” Adam said wisely.
“So there’s no Katy,” Kris began, “and I’m sitting on a bus, and I’m sad.”
Adam smirked. “It’s a start!”
“I’m sad because... because... I’m in love with someone I can’t have.”
Adam nodded, completely serious now, and nearly whispered, “Why can’t you have them?”
Kris tested out a strum and sang softly. “Stumbling in the wrong direction, somewhere no one wants you to go...”
“Blind but strong, moving but slow,” sang Adam, higher and sweeter, a counter-part.
“But you’re not sure what’s even there, if they can tell...”
“If you trusted them, told them, if you really fell.” Kris watched Adam sing the line and felt the raw emotion in his voice, the pain. His eyes were stricken as though he really believed what he sang.
Kris stopped playing, leaned down and scrawled with a green ball-point pen at the top of a new sheet in his notepad: If You Really Fell. It was a spooky, intense moment. Kris looked up and saw Adam staring at him with an expression he’d never seen him wear before: troubled, curious, terrified, hitting realization, all at once. And that’s when Kris leaned in.
It wasn’t purely intentional, and was of course entirely unplanned. It was possibly, reflected Kris in his bunk half an hour later, the most spontaneous, most adventurous, wildest thing he’d ever done in his entire life. And also maybe the worst.
Kris screwed his eyes up tight and tried not to relive the way Adam’s lips had first touched his, how Adam had started to pull away but for some reason Kris had decided to weave his fingers through the hair on the back of Adam’s head and push them closer. And then neither of them had hesitated anymore. How had they ended up so wrapped in each other, so physically close? They’d always touched, hugged and the like in public, but this had felt undeniably right, mouths moving, arms gripping, hands stroking, chests and thighs brushing. It had been a real, honest-to-god kiss, of the passionate kind Kris hadn’t had in years.
Not even after their wedding had he and Katy really... But Kris had to stop thinking about that. In his mind, as long as he didn’t compare Adam to Katy, it was no big deal, nothing to worry about, it wasn’t really cheating. He wasn’t gay or anything, was he?
Kris’ thoughts froze inconveniently on the brink of possible self-discovery as quiet, sock-clad feet sidled into their corner of the bus. Clearly Adam had waited until he had thought Kris was asleep.
He listened to the man he had just kissed climb quietly up the ladder and settle in above him, and suddenly Adam Lambert was a whole new phenomenon to Kris Allen, for a thousand reasons.
Throughout the rest of the night Kris tried to make as little noise as possible, mostly to keep from alerting Adam to his state of waking but also kind of so he could listen to the muffled sounds of tossing and turning above him.
This really wasn’t going to be something he could ignore in the morning.
CONTINUE TO PART TWO
Comments really appreciated! <3